Post 263.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.

I can see you in my dreams, sprawled out in the middle of your type-written pages, higher than the sun. And I see you alone; lonely and with me. There is nothing we can say to connect, no need for verbs. I can see you so long ago, cigarette burns in your shirt on the corner of High and Washington. And so I came to rely on nicotine and miscellaneous thoughts for company. Come to my bathroom, where you can powder your nose and wallow on the linoleum.

And on a day like this, it's the drugs that make it colorful.
And on a day like this, it's the drinks that make it wonderful.

I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon.

People don't keep journals for themselves.
They keep them for other people, like a secret
they don't want to tell, but they want everyone to know.
-Chuck Klosterman

I've got to medicate myself, I'm not concerned about my health. It covers up what I've been dealt, it seems the only way.




I don't wanna live like my mother. I don't wanna let fear rule my life. And I don't wanna live like my father. I don't wanna give up before I die.

I had a lengthy discussion about the power of myths with a post-modern author who didn't exist. In this fictitious world all reality twists. I was a hopeless romantic; now I'm just turning tricks.

When I hear beautiful music, it's always from another time. Old friends I never visit, I remember what they're like. Standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies, waiting to be asked to come inside, just come inside.

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender
with the young, compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak
and strong. Because someday in
your life you will have been all of these."
- George Washington Carver

You're the ones that kill your babies,
you're the ones that fuck your kids.
You're the ones that throw each other away, yeah.
You're the ones sitting in church every Sunday.

Someday I will find the courage to embrace you.
Someday I will find the strength to erase you.

 


POLL:
Have you ever dreamed something and had it come true? Was it a good dream, or a nightmare of sorts?

Yes, and it was the most amazing thing in the world.

Favorite quote? Icon?

quote: 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12.
icon: 2, 7, 10, 11.

You know how you're watching a movie, and you kind of already know how it's gonna end, but you watch it anyway, just because? Well, that's how it was with you. I knew it was only a matter of time, that it was gonna come out sooner or later. I knew how it was going to end. But I went on with it. I kept feeling the way I did because as selfish as it sounds it made me happy. You made me happy. Now though.. you're gone, and I have no-one to turn to. Would I take it all back if I had the chance? Yes, I would. If I could do it all over again I'd wish never to have met you at all. Because no matter how happy I was at the time, in the end all you left me with was pain.

[2.]

I always thought you'd come back. I thought that we would always be, well, us. We'd say some things, you would leave but you'd always come around. You always did. But this time.. this time you turned your back and left, with not even a glance back at the mess you left behind. This time it was different. You never came back. And well as much as I hate to admit it I miss you. Look at what you've done.

[3.]

Ever felt alone? I mean sure there are so many people out there who love and care for you, but have you ever stopped, looked out at everyone around you and just felt... alone? Ever longed for something just out of your reach, something that was once so close within your touch; ever wanted something you knew was, is, and never will be, yours?

[4.]

I wrote you a letter. I spilled it all, pen to paper, no regrets. But I never gave it to you. Because I realized that nothing I could ever say would bring you back to me. Because, you can't make someone care when they don't. You can't force a feeling; you can't make someone stay when all they want to do is leave.

[5.]

She had a history of killing herself, I had a habit of dying. I think she gave me something to live for, I guess I helped her pass time.